Okay, so far down, so good.  I never went to Iraq.  Instead I found a new hell on earth in Afghanistan.  I am glad I went.  I was able to sort out some things.  But I never "finished" my time in Iraq.  It will always be en elusive part of my life.  A dream.  A nightmare.  My reality.

So now, I am a SGM.  I am happy.  Stressed.  All in one.  I hope I make it... keep it.  So much pressure.

I leave the active duty Army soon.  Wow.  What a painful thought.  All I know is how to be a Soldier.  I can't find work... meaningful work, anywhere.  No matter how I try..

But this is the point.  I try.  I hope this is not simply some dribble that no one will ever read.

I am sad. Confused. Stressed.  I need time.  But time is a fleeting thing.  I am at terminal velocity.

Fin.

So I am sitting here in the dark thinking about what life holds for me in the future. What is it that I am supposed to do. Why all this turmoil. My brother will be in Afghanistan soon... Me, well I'm off to Iraq again. I loved and hated that place.

I can't understand why all of this is happening now! Why can't I just get some stability in my life... and my family's too? They deserve it more then me. I think its got to do with my purpose.

Who among you think that we are here for a purpose and that we are divinely destined to that no matter what? I think there is more aloof than what's apparent. What, I don't know.

I have never been good at anything in my life... I mean lets not kid ourselves here... I am great at being a bullshitter, but that's about it. I get by on most other things. So what's out there that I am supposed to do (other then be a sperm donor)?

My therapist thinks I might have Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder; something to do with feeling like your more important than you really are. Maybe. But I think that you have to think that way if your going to be better then you are now!

So why now and why Iraq? I haven't got a problem with going! Its no secret in my house that I have always felt that I left there the first time without finishing what I started. I left when I got hurt and wanted to return to my unit but was sent home. That was at the start of the war (I was there when it started!). Now, 7 years later, I am going back again. Maybe I can find the peace that I need to leave there again, but this time "mission complete." What ever that means.

I'm a MSG now... I was a lowly sergeant then. RHIP. Still, I am humble of my purpose.

I have been told that I am now in a SGM position. Wouldn't everyone who has ever known me just blow a gasket if I get promoted to SGM! "SGM Fix" Nice I guess. But I don't deserve it! Its not because of my efforts that I am where I am now. Its because of the soldiers that have come before me and those that serve me now. Thier blood and sweat are what has allowed me to be where I am.

For that, what ever purpose I am supposed to fulfill, maybe my time will come and I can get the answers that I so desparately seek. Maybe I can save someone else the pain that might be theres by having it mine.

Fin

Disclaimer

(For the record, this is not drama or a cry for help, this is therapy)

Timeless

So today is the start. Today is the next day in the reality of my future. I am so pressed. No matter where I am, it busy. I struggle with the task and the future. Keeping it together is the hardest part of being. It's not a psychological thing; it's an abilities thing.

I want to succeed. I want to be the best. I am respected, but its so soon into the new responsibility.

Family is full of struggle. Separation is pain in waves.

Pain. Its what I have become. The universe has found a way to stuff pain into this mortal shell of a man that has surprising room to be stuffed. I have more and more each day. Its a real pain, not the kind of the mind.

4 phones sit before me. They are spaced neatly on my bed beside the PC. I await the call that I do not want to hear nor answer. Keep them all on, keep them all charged. Signal, check.

I so do want to go back to the sandbox and vindicate my mettle. I want to prove the piece of cloth on my chest is not for show... that its a badge of my actions. The world will never know. I am not the stuff of the pages of history. But I am the hero in my story and I must prevail. Why do I need this? Why must I be consumed by this desire for chaos?

Sleep is a confusing state of innocuousness unnsciousness. With my pain and this box I call my home, its tough to reach the elusive state of rest. I sleep sideways to fit on the pad. I toss all night with a surprising memory of both the sleep and the sleep I am not getting.

CH 1 ~

Lets finish. I want the sideways pain for a while so I can lie to myself that I am awake tomorrow.