So I am sitting here in the dark thinking about what life holds for me in the future. What is it that I am supposed to do. Why all this turmoil. My brother will be in Afghanistan soon... Me, well I'm off to Iraq again. I loved and hated that place.

I can't understand why all of this is happening now! Why can't I just get some stability in my life... and my family's too? They deserve it more then me. I think its got to do with my purpose.

Who among you think that we are here for a purpose and that we are divinely destined to that no matter what? I think there is more aloof than what's apparent. What, I don't know.

I have never been good at anything in my life... I mean lets not kid ourselves here... I am great at being a bullshitter, but that's about it. I get by on most other things. So what's out there that I am supposed to do (other then be a sperm donor)?

My therapist thinks I might have Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder; something to do with feeling like your more important than you really are. Maybe. But I think that you have to think that way if your going to be better then you are now!

So why now and why Iraq? I haven't got a problem with going! Its no secret in my house that I have always felt that I left there the first time without finishing what I started. I left when I got hurt and wanted to return to my unit but was sent home. That was at the start of the war (I was there when it started!). Now, 7 years later, I am going back again. Maybe I can find the peace that I need to leave there again, but this time "mission complete." What ever that means.

I'm a MSG now... I was a lowly sergeant then. RHIP. Still, I am humble of my purpose.

I have been told that I am now in a SGM position. Wouldn't everyone who has ever known me just blow a gasket if I get promoted to SGM! "SGM Fix" Nice I guess. But I don't deserve it! Its not because of my efforts that I am where I am now. Its because of the soldiers that have come before me and those that serve me now. Thier blood and sweat are what has allowed me to be where I am.

For that, what ever purpose I am supposed to fulfill, maybe my time will come and I can get the answers that I so desparately seek. Maybe I can save someone else the pain that might be theres by having it mine.

Fin